Banjo-Kazooie Review [Rare Replay] (XB1)

  I was a teenager when Banjo-Kazooie originally released on the N64. Bearing more than a few similarities to the beloved Mario 64 I was drawn to the bright, googly-eyed cartoon world, and remember watching a friend play the game even if we were a few years past it's intended audience. I distinctly recall getting past the tutorial stages and into the first main level, noting the abundance of disparate collectibles the game was asking me to take stock of. Puzzle pieces seemed to be the main currency, so I spent quite some time inspecting every nook and cranny of that premier stage but came up short. My friend had to explain to me that the brown, straw huts I'd used earlier to solve a previous puzzle (the ones with no indicators they were anything more than platforms) could be stomped. Some of them held power-ups inside. One of them held a puzzle piece. “Fuck this game!”, I said, and anytime Banjo-Kazooie was mentioned henceforth I couldn't help but dismiss it as an overly cryptic, strategy-guide- selling, poor man's Mario 64 clone.

  Many moons older and video game wizened, I returned to Banjo-Kazooie with fresh eyes and a just a little bit more patience thanks to the time capsule that is Rare Replay. In some ways I was floored by how well the core gameplay held up, though that's partially helped by the excellent emulation on display in the Xbox One collection. It's an interesting trip back to the days of a single analogue stick and trigger and those shitty C buttons, but it's surprisingly still very playable. Well, about eighty percent of it is... more on that later.

  Banjo, Kazooie, and the rest of the imaginative cast look like they came straight of a lost Saturday morning cartoon, were redrawn by a small child, then modeled by a Freshman animation student in a freeware 3-D studio program. You'll see every polygon clear as day, but that doesn't make it any less adorable. The simplistic style and shying away from any kind of realistic proportions means the art still doesn't look too offensive. It's overly cute and that can get grating, but after some time in the sugary world, the cohesion and juvenile, cheesy humor just stick to your ribs and the bouncy music worms it's way into your ears. You'll hate it at first, then love it, then probably hate it again. Then maybe you'll hum some of the tunes on your own volition. Then you'll hate yourself, but still have the drive to continue playing the game.

  As the game's hundreds of collectibles establish early on, this is a quest for completionists. The worlds seem too big and maze-like at first, but persistence and experimentation eventually make sense of it. If you bang your head up against enough walls, a Jiggy will pop out, then you'll notice the spot it was located had slightly shittier textures than the other walls and that will lead to a revelation and even more Jiggys. It's not perfect and it will frustrate the hell out of you, but the compulsion is real.  So is the payoff.

  Some decisions, however, brought me back to my original summary of, “Fuck this game!”... Those goddamn voices, every “Whompa woopa” one, can fuck right off. It's obnoxious. Grunty the witch in particular can fuck right off; not only did I have to endure her stupid voice samples, but her text translations had to always rhyme... that's two ingredients that had me seriously contemplating holding the Menu button down every fucking irritating second she popped up. Just horrid. And as stated before: The first eighty percent of Banjo-Kazooie is much more enjoyable than annoying... then you hit the second to last level, Tick Tock Woods.

  Now, I was giving this nightmare of a level the benefit of the doubt because I had more than enough currency (notes in this case) to continue the game, so this seemed somewhat optional... but in a collectible based game I wasn't not going to go for it. It's a disaster. Every minor annoyance I could look past in the rest of the game comes to a head here: wonky camera control, asking for overly precise platforming with massive setbacks for small mistakes, horrid flying controls, getting juggled by enemies and hazards for large portions of your health... it's a who's who of what's wrong with games of this era. And to top it all off it's WAY too big of a stage; really four stages in one, but each section is lazily copied and pasted with some minor changes to allude to changing “seasons”. Some actions in one season affect the other, but it's all trial and error and it's a huge pain in the ass. Seriously fuck that abortion.

  Then it somehow gets worse. You'd figure the final portion of the game would be a test of the skills you'd learned throughout the lengthy adventure, and it is... but first you have to put up with some Grade A bullshit. There's a test alright... and it's a fucking trivia board game. I shit you not. The platforming and exploration comes to a screeching halt as you advance square by square, answering questions mostly about the junk you tried your best to gloss over while playing. Do you remember the name of the hermit crab in that first level you played a dozen hours ago? What's Grunty's dog's name? Do you recognize this mumbly, nonsense voice as compared to the other mumbly, nonsense voices? Want to play a harder version of the mini-games you couldn't stand playing the first time? Hope you get them right, otherwise you're losing health along with any power-ups you used to try to survive. If you run low have fun backtracking to a previous level and grinding the shit out of it to stock up on eggs... Seriously (again) fuck whoever thought this was a good idea. There are some shortcuts I eventually learned to make things easier, but it's still one of the worst design decisions I've ever come across. This is the price of overvaluing “subversion” and trying to be clever when you should just make a fun video game. Fuck...

  I came very close to quitting multiple times because of that abrasive, poorly designed roadblock, but I'm glad I didn't. Just over the hurdle there's a more traditional boss fight, and all is good. I'm not a complete convert to the Banjo-Kazooie cult, but I am proud to say I finally experienced the game completely. It took me back to a time where 3-D graphics were new and impressive, and occasionally also back to a time where I was one missed jump away from throwing my controller through my TV. It may look primitive, it may still be a bit cryptic, and that trivia game is an abomination, but I enjoyed Banjo-Kazooie enough to stick it out for over twenty hours and collect every note, Jiggy, and Mumbo token I could find and I felt accomplished afterward. Good enough, you goofy fucking bear. Good enough.